


How Can I Help You?

by outruntheavalanche



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Hell, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 23:04:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15059765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outruntheavalanche/pseuds/outruntheavalanche
Summary: Welcome to Hell.  How can I help you?





	How Can I Help You?

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for a playwriting class and just rediscovered it.

******Characters:** CANDY, any age, perky

BRIAN, late 40s, angry

ELAINE, late 40s, frightened

**Setting:** A receptionist’s office.Piped-in elevator music plays over the PA system.CANDY sits at a receptionist’s desk.There are two chairs off to the side, along with a little end-table.Off to the side, there is a door with “CONFERENCE ROOM B” on it.

 

CANDY

(Answering phone lines.)

Welcome to Hell.How can I help you?Oh, no, the devil’s not in right now.He’s off torturing some sinners in conference room B at the moment.If you’ll just give me your name and number, I’ll leave a message for him when he goes on break. 

(Beat.)

Glad I could be of service!

(Hangs up.)

 

(BRIAN and ELAINE enter.ELAINE spots an empty

chair and goes to sit down.)

 

BRIAN

There’s been some sort of mistake, Elaine.I’ll just clear this up and we’ll be on our way.

 

ELAINE

We’re _dead_.

 

BRIAN

I’m aware.

 

ELAINE

Brian, did you hear me?We’re _dead_!

 

BRIAN

(Grabs ELAINE by the shoulders and gives her a shake.)

Snap out of it, Elaine.Keep your wits about you, for God’s sake—

(BRIAN is cut off by shrill screams.)

What the devil was that?

 

CANDY

That was the actual devil.How can I help you two?

 

BRIAN

I believe we’re lost.

 

CANDY

I don’t think so, Brian.

 

BRIAN

No, I’m pretty sure—wait, how did you know my name?

 

CANDY

We have both you and your wife on file.

 

ELAINE

I’ve done nothing wrong, I don’t belong here!Brian, I’m leaving!

 

CANDY

I don’t think you want to do that, ma’am.

 

ELAINE

What are you talking about?

 

CANDY

According to this, you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.

 

ELAINE

I’ve never sinned in my life!I go to church every Sunday—

 

(CANDY coughs pointedly.)

 

ELAINE

—Every other Sunday.I pray every day!I tithe!

 

BRIAN

There has to have been some kind of mistake.

 

CANDY

We don’t make mistakes down here, sir.

 

BRIAN

My wife and I are _good_ people.

 

CANDY

Mr. Jergensen, it says here—

 

 

BRIAN

But my name isn’t Jergensen, it’s Jorgansson.See!Ha!You made a mistake!

 

CANDY

Nice try, Mr. Jergensen.

 

BRIAN

Dammit!

 

ELAINE

Where is your manager?I want to speak to your manager.

(Pulls out a cell phone.)

I’m calling the Better Business Bureau.

 

CANDY

We _are_ the Better Business Bureau.

 

ELAINE

Oh.

(Puts her phone away.)

 

CANDY

If you’ll just have a seat over there, we can get this show on the road.

 

BRIAN

What if I refuse?

 

CANDY

I really don’t think you’d want to do that, sir!

 

BRIAN

How do I know you’re not just bluffing?

 

CANDY

Try me.

 

BRIAN

(Beat. Sits down in one of the chairs.ELAINE remains standing.)

Elaine and I were on our way to our son’s college graduation.He’s studying to be an account planner.We’re so proud of him.Aren’t we, Elaine?

 

 

ELAINE

Yes.So proud.I just wish we’d be able to see him graduate.

 

CANDY

I see what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work.

 

BRIAN

We’re not trying to do anything!

 

CANDY

You’re trying to make me feel sorry for you.

 

BRIAN

We’re not! I swear!

 

ELAINE

_I_ am!

BRIAN

Stop it, Elaine. It won’t work. She made up her mind about us before we even set foot in this godforsaken place.

ELAINE

You make one mistake, just _one little mistake_ , and BAM!You’re sentenced to eternal damnation.That seems incredibly unfair.

 

CANDY

You drove your car into a superfluity of nuns.

 

ELAINE

A _mistake_! A horrible, horrible, little, _tiny_ mistake!

 

BRIAN

She was the one driving, anyway.What am _I_ here for?

 

CANDY

You’re the one who let her get behind the wheel even though you knew she’d had too much to drink, bub.

 

ELAINE

(Defeated.)

But, but I go to church!Every Sund—every other Sunday.I _pray_.I shouldn’t—I shouldn’t be here.

 

CANDY

As I said before, you’re _exactly_ where you’re supposed to be.

 

ELAINE

Those nuns shouldn’t have been walking in the middle of the street!

 

CANDY

They were on the sidewalk, ma’am.

 

ELAINE

Well, they should’ve been wearing light reflectors, then.

 

CANDY

(Door to CONFERENCE ROOM B opens. CANDY

gets up and pokes her head in. After a few seconds,

she returns behind her desk.)

He’s ready for you, Mr. and Mrs. Jergensen.

 

ELAINE

No!

 

BRIAN

Can’t you do something?

CANDY

(Shakes her head.)

BRIAN

I guess we don’t have a choice then.

CANDY

Nope!

ELAINE

Let’s just get it over with, Brian. There’s no point. There’s just no point.

CANDY

Have a nice afterlife!

 

(BRIAN and ELAINE grab each other by the hand and

enter CONFERENCE ROOM B.Door slams shut

behind them.Screams can be heard.)

 

CANDY

(Answers phone.)

Welcome to Hell.How can I help you?

 

LIGHTS OUT


End file.
